I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
