Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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