i just sent this text using only my big toe
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
