Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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