I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
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