I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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