I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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