Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
