Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
