you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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