Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
