someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
