life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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