If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Every concussion has its silver lining
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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