Im at strip club and am horny
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
