Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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