I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Randomize
