i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
