So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
