the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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