In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
