remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
