We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
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I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
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Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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