Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
