i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
