Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
