i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
