we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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