I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
