I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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