What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
