I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
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It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
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As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments