just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
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I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
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I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.