The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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