Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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