you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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