I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
