I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
