Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
