Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
