I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
