mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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