you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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