This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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