ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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