My balls are so social today.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
