My liver just broke up with me...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
