Will you blow on my dice?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Welp...herpes.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
