dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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