I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
