Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Randomize
