actually, I'm a sock model
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
