well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
