I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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