I wish I could punch you in the face.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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