I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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