Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
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