You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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