i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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